Who won 2014 in Pakistan?

Welcome to the “Who Won 2014 in Pakistan” blog, which uses cutting-edge science and advanced sabermetrics to determine which person, event or phenomenon was the winner of the previous year.

The idea for this competition is from the American website Grantland, which does its own version for the USA. The competition begins by identifying nominees across different fields, which were:

1. Sports

Shahid Afridi | Misbah-ul-Haq | Pakistan Hockey Team

2. Film & TV

Fahad Mustafa | Fawad Khan | Hamza Ali Abbasi

3. Music

Ayyan | Asrar | Sajjad Ali

4. Media and Movements

Mubasher Lucman | Reham Khan | Malala Yousufzai

5. Politics

Imran Khan | ASWJ | General Raheel Sharif

6. Internet Culture

Imaan Sheikh | Gullu Butt | Meera Sex Tape | #GoNawazGo

7. Literature

Bilal Tanweer | Saba Imtiaz | Omar Shahid Hamid

All the categories other than Internet Culture got three nominees each. Since this is a blog, we let the internet have four nominees. Along with these, we also chose two more entrants – a wild card (Najam Sethi) and the defending champion from 2013 (you can read on how Aamir Liaquat won that here).

The nominees then faced off in one-to-one matchups, where we made largely spurious and intangible calls for why one deserved to beat the other.

Round 1

Ayyan vs Mubasher Lucman

Our first matchup has a highly ranked Ayyan versus a surprisingly low-seeded Mubsaher Lucman. It was a fabulous year for Ayyan, who had already cemented her position in the past few years as the top model in the country. This year though, she decided to branch out her talents and move into the world of music.

Since being good looking is the only criteria for pop music these days, Ayyan’s autotuned voice with Caucasian-rapper and generic paeans to partying led to one mediocre song – You and I– but then she dropped her second single, Making Dollar$. The song reveled in its shallowness, and was terribly addictive. A true measure of its hold was the fact that its Soundcloud page (audio only, no video of the ravishing Ayyan) crossed over one million plays – 200,000 more than Sajjad Ali’s Har Zulm on Coke Studio, and far more than almost any other Pakistani musician.

But even though her hit single made everyone end up looking like a fool, Ayyan’s year doesn’t quite compare to the one-man-channel-cum-crusade that was Mubasher Lucman.

Despite being exposed as a lifafa only a year ago, Mubasher led the charge of the lifafa-callers and matched Ayyan in how often he was shared on our social media timelines. Ayyan was Making Dollars, but none of those came from the backing of Pakistan’s most powerful quarters.

Winner: Mubasher Lucman

Misbahul Haq vs Bilal Tanweer

Bilal Tanweer can probably relate to Misbah a little bit, given how the author has managed the impossible – writing a lyrical, fascinatingly complex yet fragile novel on the madness that is Karachi – and yet he came in lowest for Google searches out of all our nominees. Like Misbah, true class didn't translate into popularity in his case.

Bilal’s novel, The Scatter Here Is Too Great, won the Shakti Bhatt award which was picked up previously by Jamil Ahmed and Mohammad Hanif. He also picked up rave reviews in The Guardian and The New York Times, and is in running for the DSC prize for South Asian literature. The accolades themselves can’t quite capture what a marvelously ambitious work the novel is, which captures Karachi’s sense of disparate-yet-overlapping spheres of reality through interweaving short stories.

But Bilal did not get a chance to equal the record of one of the all-time-greats in a cathartic act whose swiftness and brutality decimated a toxic and pervasive perception. That crown was instead Misbah's. For scoring a Test century as fast as Viv Richards, Misbah manages to win over Bilal.

Winner: Misbahul Haq

General Raheel Sharif vs Imaan Sheikh

As I write this, one of the leading magazines in the country has declared Raheel Sharif their person of the year.

It makes sense too. Sharif, a relative unknown a year ago has changed the paradigm of Pakistani politics. Those who, for a decade, have never ceased to talk about “our wayward brothers”, have now suddenly developed a lust for Taliban blood. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg – on paper, this last year, Raheel Sharif took on the Taliban, the civilian government and the “independent” media; and won every battle.

Or at least that’s what the narrative suggests. We have learned that no one – absolutely no one – has the power to build and alter narratives quite like our brothers in khaki can.

One of the two writers of this bracket was convinced that Raheel Sharif would be one of the three favourites for the tournament, but he was shown the light by the other. Sharif took on Geo and yet Geo is still one of the leading channels in the country, despite a whole summer of ostracising. He took on Nawaz and returned with not even a soft coup. He, thankfully, took on the Taliban, but the year ends with more checkposts and fear than it started with.

Perhaps, if December 2014 really does turn out to be “the turning point” we can talk about him being one of the great winners, but right now, he is the COAS equivalent of Shahid Afridi, supremely popular and populist yet when you scratch the surface, you aren’t exactly filled with confidence.

The problem for Raheel is that he isn’t just taking on Imaan Sheikh, he is also taking on his predecessors: how Musharraf challenged Geo, how every COAS has dealt with civilian governments, and so on. Surely, his achievements should be judged based on the infrastructure he has at his disposal.

Those that claimed that Kayani was a genius for not attacking the Taliban and letting the civilians and media be, are now calling Raheel a genius for attacking the Taliban and finally taking the civilians and media to task; sadly for the Army fanboys, it doesn’t work like that.

But perhaps most importantly, on a head-to-head battle, Imaan managed something in 2014 that General Raheel Sharif and all his predecessors have always wanted to do – she conquered India.

So, almost as a matter of principle, Imaan Sheikh advances; and for once in Pakistan the farishtas can’t change the result.

Winner: Imaan Sheikh

Aamir Liaquat vs Gullu Butt

Last year’s champion, the epitome of all that is modern middle class Pakistani against everything that middle class despises, Aamir Liaquat started the year as the undisputed king of Pakistani television – here was a man who had survived scandals ranging from allegedly propagating the killing of minorities to making a sailor blush with the bite of his tongue. Not literally, of course.

But 2014 was a year too far for him – collateral in the khakis v Jang group battle, he switched over to Express but never could regain his Geo shine. Fahad Mustafa suddenly became the Ramazan posterboy and ALH was left trying to force-feed mangoes to his guests.

His decline can be best illustrated by the fact that his explanatory tirade, using the crutch of classism, to defend the “aam khayega aam” episode, somehow felt less convincing than when he’d tried to defend giving babies away on live television.

When force-feeding becomes more difficult to explain than baby trafficking, then you’ve had a bad year.

His year-end beef with Junaid Jamshed earned him some brownie points but alas, last year’s champion just stagnated as others improved (on a sidenote, Pakistan: where religious televangelists have beefs reminiscent of '90s hip hop). He was once the pioneer, now he’s just one in a crowd, and not even someone that stands out particularly.

On the other hand Gullu Butt became the breakthrough star of the year – a man, a state of being, an insult and a confirmation of all our biases; he obviously goes through, and it’s gonna be hard stopping him, especially with that cane in his hand.

So with yet another shock, 2013’s winner is 2014’s first round casualty. 2014 is indeed looking in rip-roaring form.

Winner: Gullu Butt

Reham Khan vs ASWJ

Reham Khan managed a low-key and graceful entry into Pakistan’s rabid mediasphere earlier this year, hosting her own show on Dawn News, having previously worked as a weather girl at the BBC. Her understated style won her quite a few fans, and that might have been enough to grab a spot on this list given how so many other major anchors had forgettable or disastrous years.

But what really shoved her into the spotlight, in an ultimately classless way, were the incessant rumours that she had been secretly married to PTI chief and forever-most-eligible-bachelor, Imran Khan. The rumours would often have Imran’s tigers and tigresses hissing in anger and envy, while tabloids from the Indus to the Thames added all sorts of conjecture to their column inches.

Throughout it all, Reham dealt with the unremitting intrusiveness and innuendo in a dignified way, which is good for her as a person, but no match for the poisonous Ahle-Sunna Wal Jamaa aka Sipah-e-Sahaba aka notorious extremist killers. After being courted by all and sundry in the 2013 elections, the ASWJ spent the last twelve months ruthlessly expanding their scope for murder, but also plumping up as allies for all sorts of important people in Pakistan.

Unfortunately, this was always going to be a win for the ASWJ.

Winner: ASWJ

Fahad Mustafa vs Omar Shahid

For anyone currently aged over thirty and hailing from Karachi, the idea of a novel calling out the oppression and dadagiri of the MQM would have sounded impossible for most of their lives. The mere ability of The Prisoner to exist is in itself no mean feat. Written by Omar Shahid Hamid, a top ranking ex-cop from the city, it does a fascinating job in creating a context for the murky politics and violence that occur as various power centers jostle for control of the city.

Equally significantly, the book does a great job in putting together a narrative of the much maligned, much targeted Karachi police. The Prisoner was a pulsating and revelatory read (though rather average in terms of writing style).

However, despite lauding bravery, the world rewards the entertainer far more, and no one had the sort of year in entertainment that Fahad Mustafa did – not only was he a refreshing change in his super hit Ramazan show, but he also translated his successful TV career into being the star of the year’s biggest cinematic hit.

So this one goes to Fahad.

Winner: Fahad Mustafa

Najam Sethi vs Saba Imtiaz

There is a feeling that last year’s exercise in determining a winner for the year was hopelessly flawed since Najam Sethi wasn’t even included in the nominees.

2013 was a year where Sethi sahab came across as a genuine Renaissance Man. 2014 was far quieter for him, as there was a cooling down in the controversies arising from his role as caretaker Chief Minister of Punjab in the 2013 elections, as well as his position as PCB chairman.

Saba Imtiaz, on the other hand had a breakout year, as the Karachi-based journalist released her novel “Karachi! You’re Killing Me” which showcased the enigmatic city through the framework of a Bridget Jones-inspired narrative.

Saba, who had spent several years reporting on some of Karachi’s most notorious and pressing social and political issues, was unapologetic about her fun, brash novel being branded as ‘chick-lit’, and judging by the Google rankings, her book was certainly talked about the most out of any release this year.

But for all of that, Najam Sethi managed to hold off challenges from far more resourceful competitors, and so he wins this one as well.

Winner: Najam Sethi

Hamza Ali Abbasi vs Asrar

When the year began, Asrar was a musician that the internet-hipsters knew about, but wasn’t quite on anyone else’s radar.

With the mainstream no longer existent in Pakistan and quality music increasingly relegated to niches on the internet, the sheer breadth of Asrar’s journey is remarkable. Appearing in this year’s Coke Studio, his song Sab Akho Ali Ali was one of the season’s breakout hits. More than just being a voice, Asrar oozed the confidence and aura of a the pro contemporary Pakistani rockstar.

Given how central music is to Pakistani culture, that is no mean feat. And yet, music is increasingly the Cinderella of the media landscape – and the pre-Prince Charming Cinderella at that. The lazy stepsisters have been getting all the hype, money and attention while no one respects music. TV and increasingly, Film is where its at these days, and riding on the warm afterglow of his star turns in Waar and Main Hoon Shahid Afridi last year, Hamza Ali Abbasi really upped the ante in 2014.

For all of Asrar’s talent and charisma, the world is a shallow place and Hamza is the winner.

Winner: Hamza Ali Abbasi

So that’s the end of Round One, where we are left with Mubasher Lucman, Imaan Sheikh, Gull Butt, Fahad Mustafa, ASWJ, Misbah-ul-Haq and Hamza Ali Abbasi as the winners. Each of these now make it into the Round of 16, where the top-ranked nominees await them.

Now, on to the Round of 16.

Round of 16

The previous round saw quite a few upsets, with last year’s winner Aamir Liaquat unceremoniously butted out by Gullu Butt. Another shocker was Imaan Sheikh defeating General Raheel Sharif, who was Man of the Year for lesser discerning publications, but was a first-round exit for us.

But the true heavyweight clashes start now, so let’s get on with it.

Fahad Mustafa v Meera’s Sex Tape

In 2014, the television industry finally shed its need to incorporate religion into Ramazan shows, and embraced its destiny. In Pakistan, TV and Ramazan are just commercial enterprises, and it was good to see both accepting that.

Moreover, Pakistan also had its first proper masala movie in the post-Khuda Ke Liye age. Waar was brilliant as long as you were a launda of a certain kind, Zinda Bhaag too was special, but Na Maloom Afraad is probably where our new cinema will end up taking its inspiration from. Apparently, you can make a commercial, popular movie while still appealing to several demographics.

And at the centre of all this was Fahad Mustafa. A struggling actor that one couldn’t even recognise a year ago was now the leader of two paradigm shifts in the country. He beat Aamir Liaquat AND Shaan this year (one tends to forget that NMA was released on the same day, Eid, as Shaan’s O21) and he did that all while looking like the boy next door.

What’s more, in his final Ramazan show he had Junaid Jamshed, a proper heavyweight on his own, as his sidekick on the show – Junaid Jamshed as a sidekick! He also stole the movie that had a typically excellent Javed Sheikh, Urwa Hocane doing the perfect girl next door AND a Mehwish Hayat item song.

But if Fahad was reviving traditional media, Meera breathed life into a new one. Her sex tape made WhatsApp a ubiquitous app and also became the first viral video that did not need Youtube or any of its replacements. Meera’s video was a harbinger of the future.

And perhaps best of all, Meera said that video was a fake since it was made by people wearing masks of her and her husband. Yep, she said that.

Meera’s Sex Tape wins.

Winner: Meera’s Sex Tape

Hamza Ali Abbasi vs Malala

After doing the sidekick routine in 2013’s biggest hits – Waar and Main Hoon Shahid Afridi– Hamza decided to be the main man in 2014.

Over the past year, Pyaray Afzal became the biggest hit in the country produced this side of Anatolia, and he was announced as the lead in the remake of Maula Jatt.

But along with film and TV, Hamza also managed to land a starring role in the year’s biggest media hit – the Azadi March. Showing up regularly in the Islamabad dharnas, Hamza was soon a regular on the most important stage in Pakistan – the container.

As for his opponent, Malala remains the best representative that Pakistan has ever had abroad (well, at least since Patras Bokhari). And Hamza Ali Abbasi was amongst the many, many idiots who questioned her veracity, and indulged in the tiresome ‘what-about-Edhi’ debate. Soon after the Nobel win, people were tweeting screenshots of Hamza’s Facebook status, which was edited several times to go from all-out hostility to cautious compliments.

Hamza’s edits were testament to the power of that wonderful girl, and how her message is only gaining in strength. Also, just in case the fanboys get upset, a reminder that Abbasi won the ARY Film Award for Best Supporting Actor while Malala won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Game, set, match to Ms Yousufzai.

Winner: Malala

Mubasher Lucman vs Imran

A proper heavyweight fight this. The most popular man on Pakistani social media, whose keyboard warriors stop at nothing to defend him and gleefully look to sully the names of his opponents; whose stock hasn’t looked to dip in forever versus a guy called Imran Khan.

Somehow, it feels appropriate that these two would face each other since both of them owe a lot of their success this year to each other.

Imran was the morally right crusader taking the stand against the corrupt elite from atop a container in Islamabad. Lucman was the morally right crusader taking the long stand against the corrupt elite from a studio in Islamabad.

Both tried to distance themselves from their own pasts with those corrupt elites (although it was easier for one than the other), and yet, both were successful in doing that not just with their fans but with the general public as well.

Obviously, Imran wins, because Imran could still have had the same year he had without Lucman, but Lucman couldn’t have had his greatest successes without Imran.

Despite the loss, he deserves infinite (and grudging) credit for reinventing himself this year. It’s barely two years since he proved to be the very worst of Pakistani media – the very embodiment of lifafa culture – and yet he’s now a crusader against all those things. The same lot that once posted his videos with Malik Riaz now post all of his exposes regarding that corrupt elite while presenting him to be some sort of a cross between Edward Snowden and Stephen Colbert.

This is the sort of reinvention that Prince would be proud of.

Alas, it’s not enough to beat Imran, who marches on.

Winner: Imran Khan

Pakistan hockey vs Gullu Butt

It was a year of transformation for both of these competitors and a year when they both touched the extremes. Gullu Butt went from being given space by a cordon of police officers to unfurl his his artistic side, to being put in prison for a decade. Pakistan hockey started the year having failed, for the first time in its storied history, to qualify for the IHF World Cup and ended it by reaching their first final of the Champions Trophy in sixteen years – it’s been an extraordinary journey.

The story of Pakistan hockey this year is one of neglect. Perhaps the only people left blameless from this are the ones who’ve had to share the most abuse – the players. The PHF, a body which can afford to have a cavalcade of cars at its headquarters, could not find the money to send the team to the Champions Trophy, and thus a private sponsor had to step in.

And yet, despite all these obstacles, they managed to beat the world no. 2 and longtime nemesis Netherlands in the quarterfinal (how they got there is another story altogether). Then after three days of unrelenting and unprecedented pressure, they won the biggest match of their lives by beating India, in India, with a second last minute winner.

It could have been the moment that Pakistan hockey finally awoke from its stupor and realised its potential.

Instead, the hockey became a sideshow to the insane amount of sensationalising and hysteria that accompanied their ‘vigorous’ celebrations. The reactions were certainly over-the-top and in one case dangerously rude, but how that became the lead story ahead of Pakistan’s biggest win over India this year (and I include cricket in this) is a lesson in how to mess up even when you’ve won.

Gullu Butt advances here because the PHF let the players down. As it always will.