With our front-line bowlers out of the series and a batting lineup that is perpetually shaky, our chances of winning this World Cup are way, way low.
Still, no reason to lose hope.
Our Pakistani Shaheens appear more than determined in getting the best results out of... their selfies. That they are taking some extremely pathetic selfies, despite all the effort they are putting in, is a different matter altogether.
But fret not, dear reader. According to a source in the PCB, Pakistan's recent defeats against New Zealand are all part of a grand strategy to lose all matches before the World Cup to replicate exactly what happened in 1992.
This will force Pakistan's fate to go: Lose-Lose-Lose-Win!
Yup, that's how the PCB works – in mysterious ways indeed.
According to the same source, the PCB has also decided that the team physiotherapist will now bowl in place of Saeed Ajmal (thus catching the opponent batsman completely off-guard); while wicket-keeper Sarfaraz Ahmed will be suddenly ordered in the middle of a match to take his gloves off and start bowling in place of Hafeez.
The rationale behind that is based on advice from the board's official consultant pundit:
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Surprised? That's OK. A lot of people were equally surprised by the decision of selecting Rahat Ali, but when Waqar Younis was asked about it, he replied:
"I am surprised to see people surprised over the surprising selection of surprised Rahat Ali ... well, surprise surprise!"
Also read: Dear PCB, not all surprises are pleasant
Actually, no. Waqar, we are not surprised. We know exactly what criterion the selectors use to pick players. For those who don't know yet, here is why Rahat Ali got picked:
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The only good news at the moment is that Pakistan and India are on the same page on at least one other thing besides Sunny Leone – arch-rival India stands shoulder-to-shoulder in sharing the recent sufferings of Pakistan.
The only difference is that when India loses a match, they have Anushka Sharma in the stands to cheer them up. Pakistan's boys, on the other hand, are clearly self-sufficient:
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We may not have Anushka but we do have a younger version of her, that is Meera.
Meera has done the noble job of offering Pakistan a valid reason to lose to India:
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Did you know that selfies have been declared un-Islamic? You think that's funny? No!
Look at Umar Akmal's selfies below and what they did to a man who saw them for the first time:
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Read on: Younis Khan, we have had it
And then, of course, there are conspirators out there waiting to attack our team.
Right after reports emerged that Haris Sohail had encountered some supernatural presence in his hotel room, a professional journalist who does not take money for planted interviews, revealed that the supernatural beings were sent by the Big Three to scare our dear Pakistani stars.
"Mere paas saboot hai, saboot k bina mai koi baat nahi karta," the journalist said.
And then when asked for the saboot, he showed this picture as proof:
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So yeah, things look bad.
I would say Bilawal Bhatti is the only man in the squad who is serious and determined to play for the team – I mean the opposing team. Bhatti recently equalled the record for giving away Qaim Ali Shah's age in runs, in a single ODI.
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That leaves us with Muhammad Irfan as the only bowler to look up to, but then that's the only way there is to look at him.
Sometimes, I do wish we had sent Sohail Tanvir in. That is one persistent guy whom nothing can deter. Even after the selection World Cup snub, he hasn't given up, apparently:
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So you see, we do have a team worth its salt in entertainment – off the field if not on it. On a serious note, I would like to shout out to our team and say, 'Go get them!'
Because if you don't, you know what's waiting for you back at home.