I recently invited some relatives over for lunch. The guests thoroughly enjoyed my new recipe for steaks with white sauce and after eating to their hearts' content, smilingly said, “your bahu is so gharelu”.
Everyone beamed.
While such compliments showered, I wondered out loud, “My brother is a great cook and every Sunday he gets the family together to make the most scrumptious Spanish omelettes. Does that make him a gharelu mard, aunty ji?
Silence prevailed.
Those stares and silent gestures inspired this post and compelled me to ask, what does gharelu mean in the first place?
Personally, I would imagine someone who likes to stay at home and takes care of the house, basically a homemaker.
There is nothing wrong with caring for your home, however, in Pakistan, gharelu has a subtext: ‘keep a woman in her place’, a place where she belongs and must excel in. This is usually at the expense of her status as a professional (or any other attributes she may have) as by the end of the day, it is the title of ‘homemaker’ that must be celebrated.
Should we accept compliments such as, “She stays at home and cooks and cleans and takes care of the family instead of working? Such good upbringing!”
I wonder what women who say this to other women are thinking.
The answer perhaps is both simple and complex. It’s simple considering we live in a patriarchal society and complex because this very generation took baby steps to improve their lives as women and have interesting stories of little victories in their sasurals.
So we have all been there, done that, felt the pain, anguish and anxiety — but must it go on?
There are still so many obstacles when aaj kal ki larkiyan challenge the roles of traditional bahus and wives. Perhaps, one could start with identifying the causes of this rigid attitude towards the daughters of ‘others’.
Also read: Reclaiming our bodies, redefining the ‘perfect bahu’
Firstly, the role of the bride is to reproduce — one or many babies (the gender of the baby is another story altogether).
Secondly, after a satisfactory addition to the population, the journey of the bahu as a mother begins immediately when wife and husband enter the second phase of their relationship as parents.
It must be noted that often the first cycle of partnership between wife and husband is taken over by the second phase rather swiftly.
Finally, the classic happens, the bahu is also a mother — a position of power and influence, and so the struggle begins between the bahu-mother who exerts pressure as wife and mother, and the mother-in-law who impresses her position as the mother of the son-husband, who is the father of the child. Here spins the vicious cycle of patriarchal life.
While the world moves forward with a clearer understanding that gender roles are social constructs, our society, needs more than a wake-up call; we need enlightenment to understand that our roles are not being played by us but by what is expected of us.
The bahu, saas, khawand-beta love triangle is age-old and universal. However, in our society it can also become dangerous, given the tolerance for verbal, emotional and physical abuse.
Also read: A radical motherhood
These sorry little homemaker compliments are confining a woman by defining the most sought after trait. It is high time women respond loud and clear as individuals and be recognised for their human potential, whether they choose the role of homemaker or otherwise.
Mothers should encourage their daughters to think outside the box when it comes to choosing a life path, and give them the confidence to be able to think and act independently. It starts from an early age when young girls are conditioned to please others, be it family members, guests and later in-laws; when a daughter is asked to serve chai to her brother, but never the other way around.
The sense of equality is lost on the child and here begins the long, confusing journey of a Pakistani woman.
We need to understand that it is the little things that matter and that it is the responsibility of the home to instil values that breed equality.
The good beti-biwi-bahu conundrum starts early, and that is where it needs to be addressed – right at the beginning.