It’s that time of the year again (Thursday, December 17, 12:17 pm, 19°C, Wind W at 5 km/h, 46 per cent Humidity). The time when you get to vote (without an ID card) the Person-nut-ality of the Year.
Here are our top 5 picks for person-nut-alities for the year 2015. You can vote for just one of them. Happy polling, y’all.
The Certificate Man
The Certificate Man (TCM) was most busy in 2015 — giving out certificates of patriotism, morality and piety to whomever he (and he alone) believed was a true patriot and truly virtuous.
The certificates were usually handed over to deserving men and women on TV shows, Twitter and Facebook.
But, he also had another bunch of certificates to give. Certificates certifying that a man or a woman — that he (and he alone) thought — was a traitor, impious and a threat to the nation’s moral and ideological fibre.
Being a true patriot himself — even though he lived and earned his living in another country — TCM focused more on those he (and he alone) alleged were treacherous and impious.
He mostly handed his certificates of treachery to journalists, actors, actresses, politicians, cricketers and 16-year-old school girls shot in the face by extremists.
He was largely busy in 2015 certifying the betrayal of the teenage school girl from Swat who, after surviving an assassination attempt by extremists, departed for the UK where she went under the knife of surgeons.
She recovered from her wounds and scars, and then went on to win a Nobel Prize – only the second Pakistani to receive the honour.
TCM was livid. He immediately handed a certificate of treachery to the girl for betraying the sentiments of her people by talking about promoting peace and girls’ education, instead of raising the issue of a lady compatriot rotting in a US jail on terrorism charges.
He issued a certificate of patriotic gallantry and gallant piety to the lady loitering in jail, calling her Mother Rambo. He got a lot of retweets and FB ‘likes’ for this.
Then, after issuing a certificate of imperialism and hypocrisy to the US, TCM travelled to the US to receive his Green Card.
The Enraged Dandy
The Enraged Dandy (TED) believes he or she is the best thing to happen to modern ‘leftist’ activism after Noam Chomsky, Naomi Klein, and (for some odd reason), Jerry Seinfeld.
The men among TED spent this year as they usually do, and that is, by repeatedly signing off their arguments by quoting that same Voltaire quote over and over again:
“I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it.”
When that didn’t work, they began quoting Rumi. Something about sprit, soul, sky, sea, chicken and egg. They could have just said, ‘Omelettes,’ and been done with it.
The women among TED spent the year exhibiting their radical feminist sentiments, even to the extent of insisting that dahi hoti hai, instead of dahi hota hai. This was the great feminist debate of the year 2015.
Both genders of TED seemed rather confused in 2015. For example, last year they had passionately criticised the military and the government for not launching an operation against extremist outfits.
When the operation was finally launched, TED accused the military and the government for sending the arrested militants to the gallows. They thought it was barbaric to send them to the gallows. But when the authorities didn’t arrest a nut spouting hatred in Islamabad, they criticised the military and the government for not arresting him … and sending him to the gallows.
On Twitter, when finally a perplexed man asked what on earth they exactly want, they responded by saying: “I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it.” They then blocked him.
Nevertheless, there, indeed were many days in 2015 when TED stood up for some noble causes. However, 16 December was not that day.
On that day, as if on cue, they decided to bring up the 1971 East Pakistan debacle. It’s another thing that till they went to college, none of them even knew that Bangladesh was once East Pakistan and East Pakistan became Bangladesh. But no worries, as long as talking about the debacle made them sound ‘anti-establishment’ — just like Jerry Seinfeld.
When confronted by those who saw through the facade, TED was profound in their response: “You ISI stooges, dahi hota nahi, hoti hai!”
The Football Guy
Bombs exploded around him, wars raged, buildings collapsed and floods swept away whole cities and villages, but The Football Guy (TFG) made sure to continue telling us about the fate of Manchester United vs. Arsenal matches; or how brilliant Messi really was; and what a great season some guy called John Von Zent Boobla Platini was having.
All this hoopla, all year round, did make some boring mortals wonder, exactly how many premier football tournaments there are in a year. As far as FG was concerned, 1,277.
If there are four seasons in a calendar year on Earth — Winter, Spring, Summer, Autumn — football seems to have 11. And then some.
But as far as TFG is concerned, the more the merrier — even though he hasn’t ever actually played the game himself. No, playing one on X-Box doesn’t count.
TFG, nevertheless, is a nice guy, who is just a tad too myopic about life in general and passionate about watching football and equally passionate about telling us all how passionate he is about watching football.
I say, vote for him (so you can continue to know about the all-important career of John Von Zent Boobla Platini in all the 1,277 premier league football tournaments in 2016).
The Knee-Jerk Guy
The Knee-Jerk Guy (TKJG) loves to shoot off his mouth about things he has no clue about. He is an overtly verbose reaction personified.
This year too, he was at it, exhibiting his remarkable talents of profoundly knee-jerking his way through life.
He followed a simple formula: If something was appreciated in the West, he just had to denounce it (but by using western platforms and technology); if something was appreciated in his own country, he just had to tell you that yours was the wrong way of appreciating it, and his was the right way; if something was denounced in the west, he defended it.
If something was denounced in his own country, he became reflective about it, telling us to empathise about what made that something so denounce-worthy; if something was called obscene, he would join in — but as long as he wasn’t involved in it. If he was, then that obscenity became ‘just showbiz.’
He insisted that he was not afraid to speak his mind. And, he most probably said this while pointing at one of his knees.
The Troll
The Troll has been an always-present entity for years now. This year he asked us to let him write his own profile and performance in 2015.
That’s exactly what we did. Here is what he emailed to us:
‘Salam cancerous traitors!!!!! Year 2015 BC was very successful for me. I continue troll traitors, agents, infidels, unnormal gender people, fattys, blackies, big mouth womans, giving them shut ups calls for benefit of great pious republic and peace. I got 154 K new followers on Twiters, millions mores on facebooks, big hits, likes, retweets, and salute from true patriots for good job and disposition of mind bent on destruction of liberal fascists and praying for peace. I launched rocket of thousands and thousands of hashtag trends that bring revolution and change status coo of corrupt peeples and politicians especially unnormal gender people and loud mouth womans who talk manly things but can’t make cup of tea LOLZ ROFL!!!!!!!! I plans to continue mission on 2016 BC and unload hatred and abuse for good cause of patriotism, revolution and normal gender people. And peace.’
Vote now!