Revolution is coming.
One can now safely suggest that the days of the Nawaz Sharif government are as good as over. The truly patriotic people of Pakistan seemed to have had enough. This regime has broken all records of corruption, bad governance, intrigues and bungee-jumping.
As Aristotle once wrote, ‘If a record-breaking bungee-jumper is also a record-breaking corrupt person, then he is a record-breaking bungee-jumper who is a record-breaking corrupt person.’ Deep stuff this.
But who needs imperialistic Greek philosophers when we have our own.
For example, many of our own insightful and devout scholars have written numerous chapters on bungee-jumping. In his book, ‘Men are from Mars, Women do not Exist,’ famous 19th century scholar, Zaheeruddin Rumani (PhD, MBBS, LLB, LOL), is said to have predicted the ascent of an elected (thus corrupt) political party in a future pious Republic in the subcontinent.
Many historians say that Rumani was predicting the rise of the PPP and the PML-N in Pakistan. The historians use the following quote from a book by Rumani to prove this.
Rumani wrote: ‘in the century to come, there shall rise a so-called faithful republic in which elected (thus corrupt) regimes of wrongful mans and womans would openly claim, ‘Eye to eye, eye to eye, my eyes, your eyes …’
So why did we not heed Rumani’s warnings?
Many other faithful scholars kept pleading in their voluminous writings, lectures and chants that we should carefully pay attention to Rumani’s works.
But it is our great misfortune that the low literacy rates among Pakistani voters, and, more so, the fact that hardly any one of them ever bother to take a shower, has left us with millions of illiterate and muddy people voting for corrupt record-breaking bungee-jumpers.
That’s why some gallant men have had to step in on numerous occasions to save Pakistan from becoming a putrid den of corruption and an unblessed land where women go to rallies in saris. And some even dance!
The men are thus forced to look at such women. This puts all kinds of unclean thoughts in their otherwise unsoiled heads.
But not all civilian politicians have been bad. Some where once good. Remember ZA Bhutto when he was good? ‘We will eat grass if we have to build our own bum,’ he once said while having a pepper steak.
But then he became bad and corrupt and had to be hanged. Steaks tend to have that effect. There was no other way. Bad has to go. So he went. Even though some believe he cut a secret deal with Mard-e-Momin Madrd-e-Haq Ziaul Haq Ziaul Haq, who had mercifully toppled his regime.
The presumed deal supposedly saw Mard-e-Momin Mard-e-Haq Ziaul Haq Ziaul Haq allowing Bhutto to fly out to Guatemala and live the rest of his life eating grass. For the sake of the bum.
Well, even though Mard-e-Momin Mard-e-Haq Ziaul Haq Ziaul Haq continued to ask Pakistanis to eat grass, he did it in a much wiser manner.
Once, in 1982, when asked by a Western (Freemason) reporter why he had executed Bhutto if grass was again to become the staple food for all common Pakistanis, Mard-e-Momin Mard-e-Haq Ziaul Haq Ziaul Haq replied that the grass Bhutto was offering was not being grown according to the dictates of our faith.
‘You see,’ explained Zia, ‘Pakistan was created by the great diplomat, swordsman and horse breeder, Ubaid Yamani, an officer in Bin Qasim’s forces that invaded Sindh in the 8th century. Yamani wanted Pakistan to become a truly pious place.’
‘But that doesn’t answer my question,’ the foolish reporter had interrupted; ‘wasn’t the country created by Muhammad Ali Jinnah?’
‘No,’ Zia had replied, ‘Jinnah created Pakistan – not Bakistan. I hope you understand the difference.’
Zia was a crafty cat. Entirely good.
Almost 20 years after Bhutto’s hanging, something even better happened: Local scientists, led by an enthusiastic fan of North Korean opera, Dr. Kim Q. Khan, finally managed to make the nuclear device that Bhutto and then Mard-e-Momin Mard-e-Haq Ziaul Haq Ziaul Haq had worked so hard for. But it was Nawaz who got to explode it.
The rise of Ram Raj in India in the late 1990s and, subsequently, of the Bharatiya Janta Party, saw India conduct five nuclear explosions to alleviate poverty and make India shine from the brilliant glow of the beautiful mushroom cloud. Nawaz responded in kind.
But Nawaz was unable to alleviate poverty, unlike the father of the Indian bum, Dr Parkash Joti (PhD, MBBS, MA, BCom, ROFL). When told about the rising number of poor people in India, Dr Parkash solved the problem with just a single potent statement: ‘Let them eat atom!’
But let’s not get distracted here by talking about India. And anyway, India already achieved its anti-corruption revolution in 2014 when (after eating atoms) its illiterate masses saw the light and did the right thing by electing a genuine savior, Narendra Modi — a passionate and charismatic anti-corruption avatar of the sacred Ganga deity, Amrish Puri.
Unfortunately, we just can’t expect such a thing to happen in Pakistan. We know that our corrupt democratic system and illiterate people will continue to elect corrupt men like Nawaz and Zardari.
Thus, these leaders need to be overthrown by a fervent in-swinging anti-corruption movement which will hit them right in front of the stumps, leaving the umpire no other choice but to give them out, LBW.
You see, Nawaz Sharif, before being misguided by Indian films, was once an honourable and loyal servant of the wardens of the faith of the pious republic of the emirates of democratic welfare state of Pakistan.
Nawaz should learn from men like Mustafa Kamal - the magnetic, dynamic and alluring leader of the Pak Sar Zameen Party (aka Pakistan Head To Toe Party). Kamal has been brave enough to finally recognise the most devastating specter that is haunting the republic: Altaf Hussain’s speeches.
It is a shame that our corrupt (thus civilian) leaders do not have the guts to stand up to Altaf’s speeches that are impacting the health of trillions of innocent Pakistanis. Banning him was an entirely good thing.
Now, coming back to the dangers being faced by the society from women visiting political rallies in saris. Such women are trained by civil society terrorists, who are on the payroll of the Indo-American textile companies, who are on the payroll of Elvis who is still alive and was last seen on the plains of Panama with bagsful of dollars, pounds, riayals and rupees. And yet we remain quiet?
Don’t we know how major issues like women in saris are retarding our evolution?
Once we get rid of this problem, our economy will drastically pick up; there will be peace and harmony; crime and drug addiction will be eradicated; there will be plenty of food, and jobs (only for males, of course); and there will be an abundance of good wives who will cook delectable food for their husbands, and Pakistan will once and for all become the true bastion of faith.
Many dismiss this as a fantasy. But not great men like Imran Khan (aka Cat Stevens). It is people like him who are the future of the pious republic of the emirates of democratic welfare state of Pakistan Scandinavia Arabia.
So this time let’s not let evil forces destroy our ways and dreams like they did in Afghanistan when they toppled the truly just, morally upright and manly emirates of the Teletubbies.
Another thing promoting corruption, is the military operation against so-called extremists.
Can’t the apologists of the military operation in Pakistan against so-called extremists see that it is turning young men into angry revenge-seeking rebels? It is a lie saying that the so-called extremists have killed over 50,000 civilians. It’s a lie because the number is not 50,000, but 49,997.
So are you too an apologist of the military operation; or of an elected (thus corrupt) member of the system; or someone who still listens to Altaf Hussain’s speeches; or visits rallies in a sari?
Don’t! Join the groundbreaking struggle of true democrats against corrupt bungee-jumpers.
Let’s make Pakistan a true urban middle-class, pious, iPhone, pizza, frantically tweeting republic of democratic emirates of welfare state of Arabia Sacndanavia.
Let’s save Pakistania! See you in London.
Disclaimer: This article is categorised as satire.