Secular liberal fascists in both India and Pakistan have for long been distorting the history of the region.

One of their worst acts in this context has been the way they have managed to repress and even wipe out the names of men who are more vital and relevant historical figures than the ones found in the textbooks of India and Pakistan.

These great people whose histories and deeds run against the corrupted grain of secular liberal fascists have been systematically erased from history.

Not anymore. We are proud to present the profiles and histories of some of these men (and one horse), to at least begin to neutralise the diabolic ploys of the secular liberal fascists in India and Pakistan; and also introduce to the new generation of young Indians and Pakistanis (and one Sri Lankan) historical heroes which they can really relate to (and Tweet about).

Chinmay Sriram Balaji

Chinmay Sriram Balaji was an ancient Indian scientist who invented the first known spaceship, automobile and vacuum-cleaner. He was born some 5000 years ago on the moon. Not much is known about Balaji’s parents who, some historians believe, might have been ancient alien astronauts who had landed on the moon and set up a farm there.

The famous American astronaut, Neil Armstrong, who in 1969 became the first American to walk on the moon, wrote in his 1979 biography, My 1979 Biography, that he came across footprints which were 7ft in length. He added that he also discovered prints on the moon’s surface which looked like those of a cow’s hooves.

Even though the publishers of Armstrong’s book edited out the paragraphs in which Armstrong mentioned all this, he secretly shared his observations with some known Indian scientists. They all concluded that Balaji’s parents may have raised the first known cows. The scientists also suggest that it was on the back of one such cow that Balaji flew down to Earth and seeded the area (which today is called India) with love, joy and lots of vegetables.

Balaji set up a colony along the River Ganges with the primitive inhabitants of the region. Miraculously, and mainly due to Balaji’s extraordinary genius and spectacular six-pack abs, the colony became an avant-garde community of brilliant physicists, physicians, physiotherapists, philanthropists and at least two jazz-fusionists.

It was during this period that the world’s first ever spaceships, automobiles and vacuum-cleaners were invented by Balaji’s colony.

The colony lasted for over a decade. It was destroyed by a group of men and women who had remained primitive. They had entered from an area which today lies in Pakistan. They destroyed the spaceships, automobiles and vacuum-cleaners and killed all the cows.

Balaji ordered the lynching of these barbarians, but, sadly, he issued this order while he himself was hanging from a rope put around his neck by a traitor who had discovered a taste for beef.

Salamullah Salam

For decades we have been taught that it was an American astronaut, Neil Armstrong, who was the first man to walk on the moon (in 1969).

Armstrong did walk on the moon, but he was not the first man to do so. Surprised? Of course you are, because after all we have been taught history written by biased Orientalists.

We have forgotten that it was actually a Muslim warrior, Salamullah Salam, who was the first man to walk on the moon. And he did so in the 9th century AD. Though it is also true that one Chinmay Siram Balaji walked on the moon before Armstrong, but Balaji was born on the moon. So, technically, Salamullah Slam becomes the first man born on Earth to walk on the moon.

Salamullah was born in 870 AD in what is present-day Yemen. He became a camel trainer, astronomer, nuclear physicist and a dexterous pianist — all before he turned 3! Then, at age 15, he succeeded in breeding a special kind of a camel that could run faster than the speed of light and also fly.

Salamullah told the governor of ancient Yemen (then called Chicago) that he was ready to conquer the whole world. However, the governor wanted him to stick to just conquering a poultry farm of an opponent. The restive Salamullah blasted his camel towards the poultry farm, but overshot it by a few million miles. He ended up on the surface of the moon. Being a wily astronomer, he had already invented the world’s first ever astronaut suit and helmet made from goat skin and bones.

Nevertheless, finding the moon to be a somewhat tedious place and having absolutely no date palms to climb and swing from, Salamullah shot back to Earth and this time landed on the poultry farm. Unfortunately his camel died on impact. Heartbroken, Salamullah became a trader and settled in medieval India (then called Not India).

However, in India, Salamullah fell sick from the rotten vegetarian food that he was given by the region’s scheming Hindus. He was lynched by a mob when in anger he attacked a pumpkin with his sword. With Salamullah’s demise, the Muslims lost all the super camel technology invented by him.

Hundreds of years later, in 1960, American CIA agents masquerading as archeologists, dug up the remains of Salamullah’s camel and used its skeleton to build the rocket (Apollo 11) which flew Armstrong to the moon.

Salamullah’s miraculous feat was completely forgotten amid the mist of skewed Orientalist history, some Star Trek episodes and the ramblings of Dr Parvez Hoodbhoy.

Himmat Singh Dogra

Himmat Singh Dogra was the former advisor to the Maharaja of Kashmir. Before Pakistan and India went to war over Kashmir in 1948, Dogra had tried to preserve Kashmir as an independent state.

India and Pakistan have had a long and complicated history with each other. When British India became independent, it was divided into two parts.

For quite a while, there were as many Muslims in the Indian Territory as there were in Pakistan — until the Indian government banned beef and the Pakistani government debarred vegetarians.

Dogra advised the Maharaja of Kashmir to preserve the state of Kashmir as an independent state. The Maharaja agreed and decided to join neither India nor Pakistan. Instead, on Dogra’s advice, the Maharaja joined a local recreational club which also held invigorating bingo nights every weekend.

Pakistan sent tribal lashkars to talk to Dogra to persuade him to make the Maharaja join Pakistan. It’s remarkable that such a meeting even took place because the lashkar men spoke Pashtu and Dogra spoke Hindi (and a bit of Japanese).

The Indian government saw Pakistan's action as a sign of an invasion and sent troops to the state of Kashmir. The result of the first war between India and Pakistan over Kashmir was Pakistan controlling 37 per cent of the area, while India controlled 63 per cent. The Kashmiris controlled none. Zilch.

Dogra protested, but to no avail. In anger, he decided to word his protest in Japanese — so much so that at one point even Japan began claiming sovereignty over Kashmir.

This was too much for Dogra who resigned from his post and became a roving Yogi committed to making Kashmir an independent state; work for peace between India and Pakistan; and find some decent fast bowlers for the Indian cricket team. He achieved none of this.

Disillusioned by his (albeit noble) failures, Dogra concluded that there will never be peace in the world because man was inherently a violent creature. So, he became a woman.

Mian Danish Butt

A majority of people credit Mard-i-Momin Mard-i-Haq Ziaul Haq Ziaul Haq as the man who finally transformed Pakistan into a becoming a bastion of piety and morality.

Indeed the mighty Mard-i-Momin Mard-i-Haq Ziaul Haq Ziaul Haq did do that, but what got lost in our history books is the fact that he was directly inspired by the thesis on morality authored by a brilliant scholar who was the first Pakistani to draw a detailed plan on how to implement state-sanctioned morality and write long sentences like this one.

His name was Mian Danish Butt. Butt was born in Lahore in 1921. Quite remarkably, he had already made a name for himself as a scholar even before his birth! Butt was in Lahore when Pakistan came into being and some historians suggest he wasn’t quite liked by Pakistan’s founder, Muhammad Ali Jinnah, who thought he was nuts. Truth is, Jinnah in those days was being advised by some secular liberal fascists who were shielding him from recognising Butt’s genius.

But Butt’s intellectualism blossomed after Jinnah’s passing in 1948. In 1973, Butt, perturbed by the state of morality in Pakistan, published a seminal book, A Seminal Book. In it he explained how the government should implement laws which would turn Pakistan into what it was really supposed to be: Saudi Arabia.

Butt wrote that vulgarity and obscenity in the name of culture should not be tolerated. He also warned NGOs not to impart ‘sexual education in schools’. This was a wonderful observation by Butt, especially since he was from the pious city of Lahore where people don’t have sex and babies just fall on mothers’ laps from the sky.

Then turning his attention towards Karachi, Butt mentioned the notorious nightclub of the city, called the Nite Keelab. It was because of this club that Butt inspired the Jamat-i-Jamat to start a movement against the immoral Z A. Bhutto regime.

If they hadn’t done this, every Pakistani teenage girl would’ve been announcing, ‘Oh, daddy, I go play badminton and dance in keelab,’ on a regular basis and become a roving, rootless hippie chick, smoking hashish and telling her elders ‘Oh, you shut up, you nonsense!’

By the time Mard-i-Momin, Mard-i-Haq, Ziaul Haq, Ziaul Haq brought about the much-needed moral revolution, Pakistan had become the second most vulgar country after the poor, corrupt and war-torn republic of Norway.

Mard-i-Momin, Mard-i-Haq, Ziaul Haq, Ziaul Haq began to deeply study Butt’s book and followed Butt’s suggestions to transform Pakistan into a country much like the beloved Saudi Arabia (minus the oil). Maybe even Kuwait (also minus the oil). Or at least Sudan (plus the sand and shrubs).

But because of the amazing discount deals offered by the Nite Keelab on its famous pizzas, secret and clandestine vulgar dancing had almost become a genetic phenomenon in Pakistan.

So Mard-i-Momin, Mard-i-Haq, Ziaul Haq, Ziaul Haq again took inspiration from Butt’s book and decided to rid the country of vulgarity once and for all: He banned breathing.

For 11 years Pakistan truly became the land of the pure. Though there were many deaths and millions of cases of sudden asphyxia and chronic asthma due to the ban clamped on breathing, but at least there was no vulgar dancing and sex education and alcohol. Butt died a happy man — though he did turn kind of blue in the face.

Disclaimer: This article is categorised as satire.