There’s a sale going on. What was once the ownership of haughty ‘experts’ can now be yours. So hurry up and get your favorite reasons for whatever goes wrong in Pakistan …
Foreign Hand
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The famous foreign hand that’s behind all terrorist attacks and political instability in Pakistan. Available in more than a dozen colours and makes – American, Indian, Iranian, Russian, Afghan, British, French, Zionist, Freemason, Coke, Pepsi and the Illuminati.
This hand is the sole reason behind all terrorism and instability in the country and now it can be yours! Use it as a reason for your recent weight problems, smoking habit or simply for not doing your homework. Because remember, whatever that will now be going wrong in your life will be because of this hand.
Guaranteed instant believability!
The Agent
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The Agent, once only available for sale to Indian and American secret agencies, is now up for sale for you! Yes, he’s the same guy that has infiltrated the realms of Pakistan’s government, parliament and the media, which he uses to promote anti-Pakistan ideas and unfold nefarious foreign agendas to undermine the unity of our nation.
Now you can buy him for a few hundred Rupees and present him as evidence to all those despicable people on Twitter you don’t agree with. Tell them they are all agents on the payroll of foreign countries because this Agent (who is now on your payroll) told you so.
Also read: Media matters
Use him as a government official, TV anchor, politician or even that teacher at school that keeps failing you in math. Accuse him, curse him and then hang him!
Let the fun begin.
The Ubiquitous Bookie
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Here he is, the ever-present but elusive cricket bookie who buys off Pakistani cricketers when they lose and their opponents when Pakistan wins.
Yes, Pakistan cricket team only wins and loses due to this bookie. And when Pakistan is not playing, he is busy fixing the Ashes series and World Cup finals. He’s the reason you are always complaining, ‘match fix tha’ (the match was fixed).
Well, you are right and now you can have the guy who does all the fixing all over the cricketing world. Buy him and hear him tell you the results of all the matches going on in Pakistan, India, Australia and England - beforehand! What’s more, you can also use him to fix matches at your school, college or in street-cricket tournaments. He can fix ‘em all!
If you pay a little extra you can then get (along with the Bookie) exclusive audio recordings of enraged monologues on match-fixing by greats like Sarfraz Nawaz, Basit Ali, Mohammad Yusuf, Shoaib Akhtar, Sikandar Bakht, and some guy who played first-class cricket three centuries ago and your neighbourhood cat. Get ‘em and be enlightened because sab match fix hotey hein.
The Liberal Fascist
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Up for sale now for patriots like you is the despicable Liberal Fascist.
He/she is the idiot who is always talking about peace between Pakistan and its many enemies on the behest of the enemies but he knows not that he is doing so and is outraged when accused of talking on the behest of Pakistan’s many enemies so on and so forth.
Basically a sissy, he is also always undermining the role of faith in our country, quoting false speeches of Jinnah on the behest of Pakistan’s many enemies.
Also read: To and fro with ‘traitors’ and ‘fascists’ in Pakistan
Now you can buy this fool and throw volley after volley of jingoistic gobbledygook at him without having to listen to him asking you awkward questions (on the behest of Pakistan’s many enemies) and thus disturb your carefully constructed worldview.
Remember, he’s the reason why today’s generation is so confused and hypocritical.
But since you are neither, the purchase of Liberal Fascist comes with your favourite Bollywood flick! Enjeeoyzz.
Rally Dancers
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Now here’s the reason for Pakistan’s moral, economic, political and cultural downfall: Women dancing at PTI rallies!
Don’t you just want to pull them back and lock them up where they truly belong? Now you can buy the right to do just that (and save the young generation from forgetting our moral values and the fact that only men can dance in public in Pakistan).
With these women in your shopping cart, you can now bid for the right to save democracy, the economy and morality by bringing the ladies back to doing what they are naturally and inherently born to do: cook food, watch TV soaps and morning shows, cook more food, hate politics, hate sports, cook even more food and be reluctant about indulging in things that are only understood by men... such as dancing.
Also read: Shireen Mazari warns Fazl over 'anti-women statements'
Feudalism
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Ah, here is a great offer to buy a very popular reason for Pakistan’s many ills: Feudalism.
For those who are not stupid enough to fall for the theory that feudalism is a dying tradition in Pakistan and that (supposedly) rapid urbanisation has uprooted it, we offer you a chance to become the owner of this most devastating reason behind Pakistan’s social and political lethargy.
Buy yourself a classical feudal lord and use him as a reason for dropping out of school, feeding cats to dogs and dogs to bigger dogs, and for including at least nine members of your family in the neighbourhood cricket XI.
Or you could grow up to become a tax-evading businessman or a white-collar crook and blame it all on the feudal lord. Imagine the fun of it all.
So what are you waiting for! Buy yourself a real mean looking feudal dude and blame everything on him. It’s the most civilised and progressive thing to do.
The Conspiratorial Apologist
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Now your favourite brilliant uncle can be all yours to flaunt. He has immediate answers to all the important questions: Who was behind 9/11? What is Malala? What happened to OBL? Who killed BB? How are babies born? Etc.
Enjoy your inherent intellectual laziness and dodge past that very taxing thing called common sense by asking this uncle about the most complex issues and getting the most instant, brilliantly convoluted and fantastical answers.
You can then impress your friends with these answers and add, ‘it’s all true because my uncle said so on TV.’
Also read: Pakistan's worst nightmare: A Jew, an Indian and an American walk into a bar...
Remember, there will be fools out there who will call your uncle a crackpot, but you already know that this too is a conspiracy to suppress the truth. Right? Right. Now cough up some dough and get this crackpot off our hands! Happy landings.
The Jumpy Liberal
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You get the idea. Now get the item. It’s for free! However, psychiatric treatment is not part of the deal.